By TIMOTHY KIESWETTER
“I will huff and I will puff and I will blow your house down!” said the Big Bad Wolf to the three little pigs. With every relationship that you have, you are busy building a Love-house, and like the wolf, sex can threaten to destroy your Love-house. How easily do your relationships fall apart? Maybe your answer lies in a century old fairytale. In this article, you will learn how to protect your relationship against the huff and puff of sex.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs who each decided to build their own crib. The one little pig’s crib was cool, but shaky. The second little pig’s house was a bit stronger but the third pig’s crib was the best! Have a look and decide which house is yours!
House of Straw
This type of relationship isn’t a real relationship. When asked “Are you dating?”, the answer is normally, “No, we’re just friends with benefits”. The pattern of booty-call, casual sex, getting hurt, rebound sex and a ‘I-don’t-care’ attitude is normally the trend of this type of relationship. “I see that you are attractive, so come to bed with me” is the mantra of this Straw-house relationship. The only thing that motivates one to build a straw house, is the Testosterone (sex-hormone) in the blood. Therefore, it’s quite an animalistic and instinctive type of relationship. There is no thought involved, only hormones.
Just because you are horny, does not mean that you have to have sex with someone right now. The answer to your raging hormones is masturbations which is a perfectly safe and healthy way to satisfy one’s sexual urges.
It’s important to note that most of these straw houses are built when teens have had too much to drink!
House of Sticks
Relationships that can be seen as real relationships are when the bond is not primarily built on sexual attraction alone. This is when one has learnt to control your sexual urges and learned to channel your testosterone in a healthy way such as working hard, playing sports or masturbating. In this way, one can avoid becoming a parent or getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease! The motto of a relationship that is built from sticks can be summarized with the phrase : Safe Sex.
For the couple who build their love-house together, safe sex has two meanings: To use a condom and to have sex within their committed relationship only, (in other words exclusivity). We can already see the strength of the house made of sticks would be more than the house of straw because sex is the outflow of the love between two people. However, this house is not very strong, because as a couple grows to know one another better whilst having sex, they may learn something that they are not prepared to live with forever and thus the relationship ends, leaving the emotional and hormonal bond intact! This couple may decide that they cannot be together anymore, yet their bodies were joined in sex which is so much more than just a physically act! House of sticks that has fallen apart can cause a lot of pain and damage!
House of Bricks
Wow, this is the house that everyone wants! It is strong, looks great and is the most fun and fantastic to live in! Unfortunately, not everyone can have this house. Only those who keep sex for that one special person with whom they will spend the rest of their lives happily together live in a brick house. It doesn’t mean that the couple who builds their house with bricks is boring – nor does it mean that they don’t have any fun in their relationship, but this couple knows that it might take a bit longer to build a good long-lasting relationship.
Because sex has the ability to open up one’s most deepest, personal being, casual sex may damage and numb a person. Later, everything will be so ‘casual’ and nothing will be wow and special anymore. Sex should be in a safe relationship where love and trust are promised to each other.
So, how do you build a house of bricks?
Start with the foundation
Every brick house has a foundation that represents Family Love. The love you receive from your parents and the love you saw between them while growing up, has formed the biggest part of your love language. What you have witnessed and experienced has become your reference and framework for your future relationships. If your parents gave lots of hugs and were very physical, you will probably enjoy the dame kind of physical attention. If your parents lavished each other with gifts and compliments, you are going to expect the same! Sadly, if you did not have a good example or none at all, you may struggle to connect with another person romantically or you may seek love in all the wrong places. So, it is so important that when there are some cracks in that Family Love, you need to give attention to it. Sometimes you need to forgive your parents before you can build your own steady relationship.
As you get to know each other, you are busy building the walls of your house. This is the Friendship Love that so many teenagers skip in their relationships. The moment when you get physically involved too intensely, too soon with someone, then the saying “Love is blind” becomes a reality. One is blinded by infatuation so that you can’t see the other person for who they really are. Your body is on such a ‘high’ because of all the feel-good hormones your body is releasing while you are having sex, that you are not seeing the real intentions and character of that person. You might be busy biting into a rotten toffee-apple! It may look yummy on the outside, taste sweet initially but you’re in for a nasty surprise! The more time you spend getting to know each other better, the higher the walls of your relationship house. Do you want to live in a double-storey house or have no room to move? It all depends on the amount of time you spend getting to know the person.
Time for the roof!
After you have taken time to get to know the person and still feel in love with them, it is time to put the roof on your relationship house. The roof represents the committed love that will rate the seriousness of this relationship. The roof is the commitment that protects the relationship from outside influences. This relationship has stood the test of time, has weathered storms and crises, has grown in love and respect for one another. If this relationship is successful, you will say your vows to each other at the altar. And if you don’t get married, then at least you can walk away knowing that you have taken good care of each other.
Don’t forget the chimney!
Last but not least: the erotic love of the relationship is displayed as the chimney on the roof. It is important that the chimney’s opening must end outside the house and not inside. The end of erotic love is to have sex with each other. But if you sleep with someone too quickly, even before the roof is up, in other words, if the commitment love is not firmly in place, there is a danger of choking each other in the relationship house with the smoke of the chimney.
If there is a chimney on the roof, there must be a fireplace on the floor! That is why I mentioned earlier that the erotic love doesn’t start only after you get married, however the spark can be there from the first moment you meet each other. This erotic love will grow naturally as you spend time together and some expression of this is normal and healthy. There are lots of ‘steps’ before sex. Couples who fast forward to sex miss a lot of the small special moments of discovering one another physically that can be enjoyed before actual sexual intercourse.
Isn’t it wonderful to ‘build’ your house together with your partner? You don’t want to end up sitting in a heap of rubble and self regret, so do it right from the start – like you know you should. To have a healthy relationship, is to build a strong brick house, where you and your partner can live happily ever after!
This article appeared in the July 2012 issue of Vision Magazine.
©Gesonde Seks, Timothy Kieswetter 2012